I recently acquired a roommate. She’s vegetarian and I’m vegan, which is just peachy; no meat in the kitchen and everyone’s happy. I am somewhat envious of her vast array of (non-vegan) fake meat products that occupy the freezer. However, there is one item that I will forever find unappetizing.

At first glance, it appears to be called “Eeyore cutlets”. I think this every time I open the freezer. Upon closer examination, its true name is revealed to be “Gruyere cutlets”…but the thought of Eeyore meat gets me every time. I imagine it to be some gross, grey, bologna-ish slab of sadness with the typical extreme sodium level of bologna-ish things.

Said cutlets are actually made from Quorn. I never knew quite what this stuff was made out of and didn’t care a whole lot since, despite its meat-free-ness, it is laden with other animal products, and thus is not vegan. In the interest of ridding myself of the mental aftertaste of Eeyore cold cuts, I investigated and found that Quorn primarily consists of “mycoprotein…a nutritious member of the fungi family.” Mmm mmm good. I’m not sure that I’d choose fungus over depressed donkey meat.

Somewhat thankfully, a google image search for “Eeyore meat” produces only pictures of meat and pictures of Eeyore (and lots of eponymous cats); I had half-anticipated finding butcher-diagram-style cross sections of him. I was reminded, though, of this:

No nutritious fungi there, I imagine; just Sesame-licious goodness.

If anyone cares to share their experience eating Quorn, Eeyore, and/or Big Bird, I’m all ears.