When I cycle, I have nowhere to put anything, besides a water bottle. Now that I’m training for a marathon, I often ride alone (instead of just my Saturday group rides), and so must carry my phone in case I get a flat tire. It would also be nice to have a place to put energy gel packets and other things when I get up to longer rides. All this needs to be easily accessible from my seat. Which is why I’m about to make the most embarrassing purchase of my life: a fanny pack.

It’s like I’m a shy teenager buying condoms all over again. I feel like I should buy a bunch of other things at the same time and put the fanny pack in the middle of all of them at the checkout line, trying to appear nonchalant but actually brimming with embarrassment and wanting to get the hell out of there.

Unlike condoms, which are available everywhere (and I have long since outgrown my fear of buying), I have no idea where to get a fanny pack. A quick search reveals several outdoorsy products suited for sports, many with euphemistic names like “lumbar pack”. I’m not alone- no one wants to wear a fanny pack. If it’s called something different and looks sporty, the lameness is cushioned somewhat.

But I don’t want a big fancy one. I want the little flimsy kind with one big pouch and maybe an outside pocket. The kind with a webbed nylon belt and plastic fastener that can pinch your fingers. You know what I’m talking about. Don’t pretend you never had one. If only I could time travel back to second grade, then I could get one just about anywhere. Along with some slap wraps and scrunchies for my side ponytail.

During my search for packs-o’-the-fanny, I came across something called the Inconspicuous Fanny Pack Holster. First of all, ‘inconspicuous fanny pack’ is an oxymoron. Second, if someone pulled a gun out of a fanny pack, they wouldn’t even have to shoot me because I’d die laughing.