Right now, I was supposed to be exhausted.  I was supposed to be elated.  I was supposed to be a marathoner.  But none of that happened.

I’ve been training for the Philadelphia Marathon since June, when a fellow handcyclist enlisted a bunch of us to race.  Since then, I’ve ridden hundreds of miles in preparation.  I’ve broken personal records, gotten great arms, and done more than I ever thought I could.

It came to light on Friday- 2 days before the marathon- that handcyclists would not be allowed on the course- only racing chairs (the main difference is, those don’t have gears).  Apparently it’s an insurance issue which past race directors have overlooked, but not this year.  So, 2 days before the ride I’ve been gearing up for for 5 months, I (along with several other handcyclists) found out it wasn’t going to happen.

I was devastated.  Driving down the parkway Saturday night and seeing the tents, banners, and barriers being set up brought tears to my eyes.  I still can’t talk about it without getting upset.  We’re meeting with the race organizers in January to make sure this does not happen again, and there are other marathons I could race in in the near future, but none of that is really a consolation.

A few weeks ago I watched a very touching film on NBC about the 2008 Beijing Paralympics, which mostly focused on a few athletes and their personal stories.  One of them was Marlon Shirley, a track & field athlete and amputee.  He ended up injuring his Achilles tendon during an event (at which point in the film I was nearly sobbing).  He said something which really inspired me: “If I’m gonna fail, I’m gonna fail trying.”  At that time I was having doubts about my ability to finish the marathon, and his words really stuck out and motivated me to keep going for it.

Even though I didn’t get to race yesterday, I didn’t fail.  I tried and tried and tried, all summer long while training, and I am a better person for it.  I can’t get Marlon’s words out of my head.  They will continue to motivate me to conquer whatever challenge I end up facing next.  It might not be a marathon- it might not even be on a handcycle- but I will tackle it head-on.  Not being able to race in the marathon feels like a huge setback, but I know it will only challenge me to work harder towards my next goal.